I asked a Zoomer stacking beer if it was true. Was holding hands in public just too intimate and too public? And she laughed and said, “I kinda get what you mean.” Why? Well, sex is “a casual thing that happens. You have it and it’s over”. And, “it’s just between the two of you”. While holding hands is “in front of other people,” Holding hands is a public announcement about the relationship. It makes it real and significant.
Yes, it was only one conversation. Which I wouldn’t have started without my lovely wife present. But it confirms what I read in an Atlantic article titled “What ever happened to getting to first base?”. The sexual patterns of Gen Z American youth are radically different from past generations. There are no steps that might map out a relationship or a sexual experience (first base being a kiss, and home base being intercourse). And there seems to be very little trajectory about where a relationship might be heading. These new relationships and sexual patterns are reflected in the new vocab: sneaky links, zombies, breadcrumbing, cushioning, and simps.
Zoomers are afraid of emotional connection
But what really intrigued me in the article, and it was verified by the beer stacking Zoomer, is that Zoomers are afraid. There is a real danger in relationships. It is ‘the danger of catching feelings’. Liaisons needed to be kept chill or “nonchalant.” Even when relationships are exclusive, a couple would never use the label “dating”. And the data backs this up. The consistent new fear is emotional vulnerability and connection.
If this is right, sex, once the high point of connection, has changed. If sex is now casual and feelings are seen as dangerous, then the wonder and emotional intimacy of sex have been lost. This follows from the sexual revolution, the internet revolution, and 21st-century beliefs, all of which have diminished the intimacy of sex. The sexual revolution treats sex as an ordinary thing, not an extraordinary thing. The internet, with its tsunami of pornography, has driven the idea deeply into our psyches that sex is merely transactional. And, our culture has reduced sex to a purely biological act. That’s why, for Zoomers, sex is just something you do. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Apparently.
Molly Langmuir, the author notes:
“To everyone I asked about this, the idea that a person might engage in an act that they see as indicating emotional investment - such as hand-holding - before engaging in sex upended the natural order of life.” (emphasis mine)
Quoting an 18-year-old woman,
“If you had sex with somebody on a first date, you’d say to your friends,“Yeah, my date was good; we had sex; it was great.’ But if you went on a first date and held hands with somebody? That would be an outrage. There would be an uproar.”
In short, Zoomers think ‘Sex is easy, and emotional connection is hard.’
But, that doesn’t mean emotions don’t come into it. The Zoomer generation is the most socially conscious generation. Instead of caring about the person they are pursuing, they worry about what everybody else around them is thinking. That’s why simps are so despised: “they show their emotions so clearly”
If you’re a Zoomer, I’m sorry that our 21st-century culture has eviscerated the wonder of sex, reversed the order of emotional connection, commitment, and then sex, and made you fear emotional connection.
And, what I want to say to Christian Zoomers is learn to hold hands with your Christian boyfriend or girlfriend.
Christians should only date Christians
The reason I say Christian boyfriend or girlfriend is because the expectation of the Bible is that Christians will only marry other Christians. Paul says to young Christian widows. “But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.”
And though Paul makes it explicit, he shouldn’t really have to. How can a Christian live every moment under Jesus' Lordship, wanting what he wants in every part of their life, when their life is bound to a person who does not want these things? It is a recipe for disaster.
Steps a Christian Zoomer should take
So, first, there must be a shared spiritual belief of salvation and life under Jesus’ lordship.
Second, make an emotional connection. Outrageous, I know. But, to discover if we can love and serve someone for the rest of our lives, grow them and be grown by them, we need to develop an emotional connection. Or try. If you can’t, then it will be hard to serve them until you are parted by death.
That’s where dating can come in. There are wise and good ways to date that enable you to explore and develop an emotional connection. For instance, don’t aim for romance. Mix up your dating by with hanging out with other friends. A good date doesn’t end in sex (not for a Christian) but, more daringly, with increased emotional connection.
Not only are you building an emotional connection when you date, but you’re also discovering as Christians if you’ll be good for each other. Are you able to grow and serve the other person in Jesus, given who you are and who they are, in all your strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and vulnerabilities?
As the dating continues, you develop this emotional connection and grow it into love.
The next step is to bind and shield that love with marriage. The promises made in a marriage enable a lifetime of emotional, physical, and spiritual connection. In the marriage vows, you promise to offer all of yourself to the other person, holding nothing back. And they do the same. Now real connection can flourish.
Hence the Anglican wedding vows.
I, Romeo take you, Esmeralda, to be my wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better for worse, for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love, and to cherish, as long as we both shall live.
This is my solemn vow and promise.
And now, you’re ready for a lifetime of the wonder of sex that builds on the shared emotional and spiritual connection. From the Bible’s perspective, sex isn’t about a moment of pleasure, but about self-giving. You offer yourself to the other person, wholly. It is about a physical and emotional connection bound and protected by a set of profound promises.
So, Christian zoomers find another Christian zoomer of the opposite gender. Spend time with them. Start to develop an emotional connection. And then, make a public statement about your interest in each other. Yes, that’s right, I dare you, hold hands. I know that sounds dangerous. And, it is. Emotional connection is truly powerful and should not be toyed with. But these steps are the right ones.
Let me finish with a short guide to Christian Zoomer dating and marriage.
The short guide to Christian Zoomer dating and marriage.
Get to know another Christian of the opposite gender.
Start to develop an emotional connection.
Discern if you’ll be good for each other: able to serve each other in Jesus and grow each other in Jesus. This is asking heart questions.
Decide to commit to each other and start to hold hands (or not, but you get the idea)
Declare to others that you’re dating.
Live out exclusivity and godly self-control. No sex or sexually pleasuring each other. (You’ll need that godly self-control in your marriage.)
If you’re growing in emotional connection with each other, keep evaluating if you’re able to serve each other and be served by the other in Jesus. Are you helping each other grow in Jesus? If you discover you can’t serve and grow each other, break up sooner rather than later.
Keep dating until you’ve grown in confidence in each other and know how each other tick. You’ll never know this perfectly or completely. . (One way to test your relationship is to have a big fight. I don’t mean plan a fight, but when a big argument happens, how you react, how you treat each other and your ability to argue, sort out the fight and repair any damage can be a very good indicator of the health of the relationship.)
Then get engaged.
Get some pre-marriage preparation or counselling. If that goes okay….
Get married!
Spend the rest of your married life developing deeper emotional and physical intimacy.
Seek children. They are a great blessing from the Lord.